12 Conversations You Must Have ASAP

Beautiful, heartbreaking, honest. The things we need to start talking about.

“I just want to make sure you guys are aware of what’s going on nearby right now?” the bartender asked us. We gave him a bewildered look. He then described a horrible scene, and told us if we wanted to leave, he’d close our check and understand completely.

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It was early in our relationship - as teenagers, madly in love - that Jake and I had to have our first really hard conversation.

I had to ask him if he really wanted to risk his future with someone who’s health was so uncertain.

And when he said yes, a harder conversation came about. If cancer came back, and I decided not to fight or couldn’t fight it, could he take care of our future kids alone?

We were too young to navigate the feelings with grace. We cried in each others arms, and I spent weeks asking him: are you sure? Sure sure?

When we got back together, after 15 years apart, I had to ask the same questions. His answers were unwaveringly the same.

The thing is, honestly, I wouldn’t trade those conversations for anything. The level of depth and trust we had to explore and experience is priceless. I wouldn’t want a love with anything less than a fearlessness toward death, a willingness to face any and everything - with the consciousness of having known some of the darkest times together. Though the words hurt to say out loud ‘what if…’ there is a surrendering that happens when we answer truthfully. Yes, we’d go through that pain. Yes, our love and our life together, however long, is worth that pain and hardship. Yes, this is what real life is about, and really bad things can happen to really good people.

It goes without saying that my husband Jake is one of the best humans on the planet - not to mention the funniest. If you want to get to know him, I finally convinced him to start a TikTok of the silly things he thinks about. Check him out, give him a follow, let him know he’s supported.

But, what happened Sunday was a different kind of hard conversation.

We went from having a relaxing Sunday martini to a conversation of where we would be safest. The shelter-in-place order was only 3 blocks away - so was our apartment. We decided, in the news of a shooter at large in the area, that our unassuming apartment would less likely be the target than the main drag of downtown. We went home, where we had a hard conversation about what to do if a shooter was in even closer range. A grocery store we were shopping at, or a restaurant we were dining at.

The conversation was difficult in a totally different way than those of ‘what if I get sick again’. It had that sour taste and smell of fear, panic, mania. It had madness in them; not ours, but that of a harsh and heartbroken world. There was no romance, no need to be brave, no softness to the deaths like that of an illness that might take one of us slowly. No, this would be pure chaos. There’d be no time to think.

I posted about the conversation on my TikTok, fearful that I might come off as trying to get attention - but I wanted people to know: have these conversations. To talk to your people about what to do. This is the world we live in, after all. Change and safety doesn’t appear on the horizon any time soon.

Which inspired me to share the conversation I think everyone should have, as soon as they possibly can. Some painful, some awakening, some scary, some simple. All essential.

12 Essentials Conversations You Must Have ASAP

With Your Partner

• What to do if one of you were to become gravely ill
  Not just logistics of funeral service….What matters most in your time together at the end? What legacy needs to be carried on? What do you want to say to each other? It hurts. But it will also bring a whole new depth
  

• What to do in case of a gunman
  Think of as many scenarios as you can, and as many simple plans for them as you can (things you will remember in a state of total shock and fear). One commenter on TikTok said she had been present at a mass shooting, and having a plan is pointless because there is no time to think. I’m sure she’s right, but even if only to acknowledge fully that this is the reality we live in, it’s not just a news story somewhere else, this conversation is essential.
  

• What do you want your relationship to stand for
  What are the goals you want to help each other achieve, together and individually. What do you want people to say about your marriage when you aren’t around. How can you embody those values on the daily more fully?
  
  

• What to do if one person changes - or changes their mind in a huge way
  We all change, drastically, in our life times. How do you want your partner to respond to these changes as the happen? If you were to change your mind in a big way (falling out of love, deciding to leave a career) how would you want them to handle it? Accepting change is a huge step in allowing life to flow rather than to become stagnant out of fear.

With Your Self

• What limiting beliefs are holding you back from the life you really want?
  I explored this deeply recently and this post (and all the posts in this series) can help you do the same.

• What do you really need, right now
  Today. This season. This year. This decade. And this very moment. Check in. Again and again and again.
  

• What do you want to get out of social media
  It’s only getting bigger. Not having a game plan makes it an easy gateway for comparison, depression, and worse. Mark Groves recently said: what we want out of social media is actually just what we want from our mothers. Let that sink in. Set boundaries.
  

• What is your relationship to money
  This will inevitably lead down a rabbit hole to your relationships with self-worth, abundance, receiving, proving yourself, and so much more. That’s the point. There are a million experts to help you uncover this, and it’s important yet underrated work. Does it feel evil? Scary? Fun? Daunting? Find out. Make a gameplan. Set yourself free.
  

• What is your relationship to codependency
  After a year spent in Codependents Anonymous 12-step recovery, I think we are all codependent to some degree. Take a look, find out where you are, and if there’s anything major to heal. It is life-changing work.

With Other People

• What are the priorities in your closet friendships
  We spend a lot of time with our best friends - but are we aligned on why we’re spending tim together? What we’re building? In big life changes, we often drop crowds that were harmful, such as the people we went to happy hour with. But we can have those conversations earlier and get the friendship steered on the right track.
  

• What boundaries do you need with your family
  They can’t read your mind. You’ll have to just sit down and talk about it.
  

• How they got to where they are
  Find someone you know in real life, and ask them to coffee. Ask them how they got to where they are. Learn from someone close to you - not just gurus on podcasts.

I once asked a friend: “What’s the conversation you know you need to have, but are putting off? Why are you putting it off?”

The fact that I asked put a startled look on his face. He knew the answer immediately. We all do. What’s the conversation you’re putting off out of fear? And what are you afraid of? I suppose in this case, the second question is the first conversation you must have with yourself.

Still, as hard as these conversations can be, they create the ground for new love and understanding to grow. They are the storm that tills the earth for these new seeds of possibility in our relationships with ourselves and each other.

So this week, have the talk. This is your sign.