I Am No Longer Waiting For My Life to Start
Save nothing for later. Enjoy it all now.
We spent the holiday weekend nesting.
Having moved in mid-February, when temperatucares neared zero degrees, our rush to finally occupy a place of our own (and get everything moved inside in record time) outweighed our desire to carefully comb through the wedding gifts we waited six long months to open and enjoy.
Ours is a small home. The spare room, which we’ve dedicated to my sauna, Jake’s at-home gym, and a meditation space (not yet finished and so not photographed) is too small to be considered a ‘bedroom’. The shower was haphazardly installed. And the cupboards - don’t get me started. They are so hideous and one of these days I will confront them.
But the windows are spacious and generous with their light, the kitchen has every appliance we need (though leave plenty of room for the warm thrill of wanting more). The whole place is filled with love- more than we ever dreamed of.
Leaning into the chilly and slightly gloomy weather on Monday, we opened up the closets and began to examine boxes and storage tubs left to wait there since winter. We rearranged furniture. We cleaned out spaces and made room for things that would better our lives.
I found a stand mixer that I had stowed away in the hall closet. The recipes I had dreamed up when I added this item to our registry…protein blueberry muffins! Lemon sugar-free cookies! Sourdough bread!
Even as an independent feminist, I was and am thrilled at the idea of being a wife. Not a subservient and quiet sidekick, but a strong and maternal partner. Someone who has her own life, her own career, but still makes time for baking and housekeeping. A balance of my own feminine and masculine energies.
Yet here I was, in my first year of marriage, with my treasured mixer lying in the back of a dark closet. And with it, my time as the wife I wanted to be. As the woman I wanted to be. With a comforting home that spells like fresh baked goods. Me, enjoying a different kind of creativity, with food and ingredients.
I was doing exactly what I have been ranting that we should all stop doing:
waiting for my life to start.
In part, I had rationalized: ‘we will likely only live here less than a year. It’s not conducive to a first baby, at least not for long, and who knows where our jobs will take us next.’ In doing so, I had unknowingly put my life on pause, as if our time here was unimportant.
But what could be more important than now?
And what could be more exciting and fun than a first year of marriage?
So, we unpacked all the gadgets and toys. We opened the kitchen by moving the table out so to have plenty of room to make messes. We upgraded our silverware to the gold set I have been coveting for years, so that every meal, big or small, feels as grand and gorgeous as I want it to. We set up the home bar for company to come over and enjoy a martini or Fernet.
We stopped waiting for our lives to start. We’re using the good plates. The cloth napkins. The stand mixer at every opportunity.
Maybe you are guilty of this, too?
Waiting for your life to start, treating here and now as only a bridge to where you want to be, thus sucking it of it’s life force and importance.
I watch so many people I know waiting and hoping for things to happen, but making very little effort for changes to occur. Or saving for things - not just financially, but emotionally - so that ‘someday’ they can enjoy the most exciting prospect.
‘You’re doing it again,’ Jake said just the other day, as we discussed ad nauseam whether to go back to Paris for our 1-year anniversary or head to Hawaii to a family member’s condo (a more affordable option).
‘Your ‘saving’ the good trip for later, so you can not stress too much about cost right now.’
I know, I know I am. And I hate that. I hate that I save my favorite lipstick for special occasions until it has completely dried out and dies in my makeup back a slow and painful death, never having been worn. I hate the memories of my special dresses at age 13 that I saved in my closet for when my ‘real life’ would start and I’d have reason to wear them…only to grow out of them and they never saw the light of day. I hate that I save my favorite foods on my plate for the last bites, only to be too full by then to enjoy them.
All this stems from self-esteem. My own self-concept. The knowing - or doubting, in most cases, my worthiness for what I want. Without earning it. And knowing that having now is the same as having then, if ‘then’ ever arrives and becomes now (which is never guaranteed). Because now is all there is.
I must remind myself again that right now, and in every moment, I am completely and totally worthy of what I want.
That my life, whether here in a small town or back in the big city, is always worthy of using good silverware and nice wineglasses. That every day is a special occasion. That my being in it is worthy of celebrating.
And wasn’t it me, after all, just days ago that said: we should be wearing the loud outfit? The treasured heels? Going after what we want? Not waiting as if our lives were going to begin someday in the future, when all we have is here and now??
So I’ll be returning to the pages of our Newlywed Cookbook, gifted by our friend Sara at our engagement (and not opened till now, shame on me). And making a mess of this kitchen many more times to come.
