A Fear Of Being Seen & The ‘5 Whys’

A simple trick for getting to the bottom of insecurity, and how I'm discovering my unique contribution to the world.

“Ok, here it goes,” I said.

Gripping the steering wheel hard with both hands.

“I think there’s abundant resources in the world, but it’s hard for me, specifically, to get them. Money, support, jobs, that kind of thing.”

“Why,” he asked.

“Because…people don’t want to give them to me.”

“Why?”

“Because…I’m too different. There’s something different about me from everyone else.”

“- yeah, but, that’s a good thing,” he interrupted.

“That’s not a ‘why’!” I objected with a laugh.

“Oh, right,” he said, getting back on track. He raised his third finger: “Why?”

“It sometimes feels like everyone else knows something I don’t. They all ‘get it’, and I don’t get it. It’s something foundational. Different in a bad way.”

“Why?” Raising his fourth finger.

“I don’t know. That’s the ‘why’ where I keep getting stuck.”

Friday afternoon, Jake asked me to put on a favorite dress, get in the car, and trust him. It was our private celebration for my birthday. The first time we’ve celebrated together, since this time last year I was packing up my belongings, saying goodbye to all my friends and my entire life, and heading north.

I’ll admit, as I combed through my closet, what I wanted to wear was a midi-length dress that had all the colors, swirling like soft psychedelics on white fabric with a small sheer mesh panel near the hem. It’s a remarkable dress - and I have been told repeatedly I am the only one who likes it…

But it felt too loud. Too boisterous. I’ve talked a lot lately about the courage to stand out, but this double-dose of calling attention to myself (my birthday, and my appearance) felt selfish.

It felt like ‘too much.’

Which is a theme I have felt often in my life.

That I, and everything I say and do and wear and think and need and want, is ‘too much.’ How dare I take up more space than I should, ask for more than what I had, speak my mind when others had more right to do so…

I threw on another favorite, a slinky, chartreuse mini and we headed out.

Jake had planned the entire day, and I was to let go and trust, and most importantly: enjoy. For someone who uses control to keep myself safe, this was a hefty task. But he executed the day absolutely perfectly.

First, an art gallery. Second, an art festival of local vendors. And lastly, a romantic dinner.

“It was an art-themed birthday. Because I know you’ve been missing going to the LACMA in LA.”

It was a regular habit of mine in my former city-girl life. Wandering around the galleries, dressed like a rich divorcee, then treat myself to a vesper martini at Ray’s Stark Bar and people watch for an hour or two. It was a favorite date night to take myself on. And I do miss it, dearly.

So the fact that someone loved me enough, and knew me well enough, to give me as close to that experience as he could was remarkable.

To be surrounded by the creativity of others, too, was empowering. I could feel their love and authenticity in their products.

I could feel and see and touch their courage to be seen.

Which is what I am on a mission to do for myself lately. The courage to be seen. After a two-decade career writing for and about other people, I have turned the lens on myself. I am writing only for and only about myself, imparting the wisdom I’ve gained as a 20-year cancer survivor.

Not because having had cancer is special. No one cares about my cancer, not even me.

Because being a woman who entered her 20’s in full responsibility for her life, knowing:

this life is mine and only mine, I’d fought like hell to have it, and I was not about to live it for anyone else’s expectations of how a ‘good girl’ like me should…is a hell of a way to start adulthood.

Because having to redefine ‘beauty’ when you have no hair and your body has ballooned by 40 pounds in a matter of a few short months

- yet you still desperately want to be chosen, touched, and cherished, is not at all easy.

Because going through life acknowledging the one thing we work so hard to forget:

that life is short, precious, and our full responsibility, is a radical way to be.

…And yet. Knowing how special this perspective is. How sharing it could change and better the lives of so many people,

I find myself scared to share.

Terrified to be seen,

yet wanting nothing more than to be seen.

So here we are, in the car wash, using the ‘5 whys’ (if it’s not obvious: asking ‘why’ five times to get to the root of any issue) to discover why I am having a hard time making a living off this writing. Inadvertently touching the tender nerve of my fear of being seen.

“Let me ask you this instead,” he said, “What do you want to be known for?”

“My unique perspective on being alive, which is what I want to write about,” I told him.

We looked at each other with the sudden same revelation.

“Oh my gosh,”

“...so the very thing I’m damning myself for, and saying others don’t like about me is exactly the thing I want to be known for.”

And there it was.

“I’m telling myself that the fact that I see things differently is bad and wrong…all while having a different perspective is exactly what I need in order to live out my purpose.”

Ironically, this dynamic is not unique to me. In fact, it’s probably most often that our shadow is both our Achilles heel of insecurities, and the very thing that makes us special.

For now, I’m sitting in the revelation and allowing it to breathe. Actually, to grow and bloom.

And of course, practicing being brave by being vulnerable here and now. Letting myself be seen by you.