How To Apply Self Tanner & Other Secrets Of The Universe

My pro tips for how to apply fake tanner, and why pampering your body is anything *but* vain.

Once a week, every week, I apply a velvety mousse fake tan to my entire body. Rain, shine, snow, it doesn’t matter. I’ve been doing so for over a decade, so you could say I know a thing or two about how to apply self-tanner.

This started not long after chemo, when I arrived back to the lake I grew up on looking like an alien. Overweight from the steroid in my treatment plan, without hair on my head, feeling so out of place. My skin was baby-soft because of whatever concoctions I’d been given and for the 6 months I spent in a hospital suite. But I wanted to fit in. I didn’t want to be the sick girl. And while losing the weight took time, being instantly tan made me look at least a little healthier. Plus, obviously I wasn’t about to lay out in the sun and fry.

I look back on that with strange affection and adoration for that young, existentially confused woman. Only 18. Having faced down something far beyond her years, yet still wanting to be loved and accepted by her peers. It was a strange time, I fit nowhere and into nothing - not cliques, not my clothes. Not even my life before cancer.

So I started self-tanning, and when my hair grew long enough I started wearing extensions. Did I look kind of ridiculous? Yes. But the self-tanner habit stuck, and I still haven’t dropped it. In fact, it’s become a science.

I get a lot of comments about fake tanning.

Some call it stupid. Vain. They call me fake.

As if submitting my skin to the actual sun for this glow is somehow more noble.

To me, it’s not about the tan.

It’s not the fact that a summer glow makes anyone look 10-pounds lighter, instantly healthier, or more vibrant (when applied correctly). It’s about the time spent with my body, naked as I came, in a state of compromise.

Compromise for the fact that I am no longer in LA - I know, I know, I keep talking about that. I’m still coming to terms with the fact that I left my beautiful, exciting life in the big city to move back near my tiny hometown to marry my very first boyfriend, my childhood sweetheart, the unlikely candidate who turned out to be the love of my life. He’s perfect. But there was a former life and self of mine that I am still grieving.

Some days, as stupid or vain or fake as it may be, a nice healthy glow that reminds me of weekend mornings I spent reading books and journaling at the beach is what brings a smile to my face.

And compromise for the fact that this body has been through a lot. We fought a lot in the years after chemo; I tried to bully her with eating disorders, she fought back with symptoms like depression until I was forced to sit down, apologize, and heal. She deserves pampering. She deserves a once-weekly date, in my own bathroom if I must, where her nails are painted with care, her complexion is tended to with my best, top-shelf splurge skincare products. And her skin is made to look its absolute best.

The Pacific Northwest isn’t a place typically known for fashion, style, beauty, and the like. I am no less deterred from bringing all my fashion-gal, big-city ways to my little-town existence. Even if it means I stand out like a (very tan) sore thumb with my golden, glistening skin in May before the warmth has actually graced these cold mountains.

My wish isn’t that this article teaches you how to apply self tanner - although I’m certainly going to offer you those secrets because TikTok has really been loving my little secret hack. My hope is that you see that whether stupid to others, trite to some, or vain explicitly, whatever you must do to celebrate your body, and remind yourself of your own beauty is not stupid or selfish or fake at all.

And here’s the real tip, for this or any beauty treatment:

Remembering that the tendency to criticize such acts of indulgence and care for ourselves, the decorating in whatever form of our own individual and sovereign bodies, is almost always committed by those too scared to acknowledge their own beauty. Accept their own bodies. And is, most often than not, fueled by jealousy for those willing to declare they are absolutely worth this care and pampering.

So for now, while I wait for my LA-weather to finally meet me here in Idaho, here are my tips for how to apply self-tanner like an actual pro:

How To Apply Self Tanner

1. Exfoliate

Obviously. The bottle says this. I do not like a textured scrub for this, I think it causes tiny tears in the skin and is too abrasive. And for the record: I prefer the longer, towel-like exfoliators over gloves or mitts.

2. Choose the right formula

Mousse as the base. Always a mousse.

They just go on smoother. Most formulas contain a ‘color guide’ so you can see where you’re applying. I like Tanologist (which comes in formulas with and without color guides) and B.Tan as a dupe for St. Tropez if you have more of a cool or olive skin-tone.

Sprays for top of feet and back of hands

Yes, two formulas. But one spray bottle will last you years if you only using it on these areas.

Tincture/mixable formula for travel

These little bottles pack a punch. Just mix according to color guide on back and blend well. Great for your carry on or cosmetic bag because let’s face it, the tan needs to last the vacation.

3. IMPORTANT: Apply dry shampoo or baby powder after

Self-tanners are notoriously sticky and icky feeling after. Spray your body with dry shampoo or apply baby powder and gently spread around your skin to soak up that sticky feeling.

If it has a color guide, always wear dark clothes, but if it doesn’t, you might be safe with some lighter shades - though I wouldn’t press your luck with white.

4. Leave it alone

I wear mine at least 8 hours, even if it says ‘express 1-hour’ because as aforementioned, I like it dark.